The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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