my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
