So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I sprained my soul last night
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
