I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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