Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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