There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
