96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They took my balls.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
