there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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