I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
