is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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