There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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