Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
