My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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