So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
