Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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