Having a random hookup so left but love u
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
