I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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