My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
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