Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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