I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
