hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
