Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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