he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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