i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
