can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
