Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
