I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
