So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
