Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
