And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
