dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
