Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
