Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize