hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
