Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
