My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
