I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
