That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
