Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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