If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
