I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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