just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
