Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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