i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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