I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you made out with another girl for some wings
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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