My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
