I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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