OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
