don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
