I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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