Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
