you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize