I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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