Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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