I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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