one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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