First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
