I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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