It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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